Post by Rena DeVito on Nov 23, 2009 20:08:59 GMT -5
M'kay, well. This is where Rena is going to put thoughts, or random stories of what have happened to her during the day. She may decide to vent here, so dun't be surprised if she gets a little violent....she usually duesn't mean it! If this is against the rules, please just tell Rena, and she'll delete this.
And dun't even ask Rena why she's talking in third person. She duesn't know xD
Also, Rena is gunna make a table with a list of names for friends, this way she can remember friend's names and such. BTW, why she is making this table is to protect her friends' privacy by making fake names for each xD
Places:
- Pie Town - Ugly city where Rena lives.
- Crazy Place - Little suburb in Pie Town where Rena lives.
- Loco School - Place were Rena goes to school.
- House - Where Rena grew up.
- Apartment - Where Rena's daddy lives.
People:
- Seena - Rena's eleven-year-old sister.
- Toaster - Rena's twenty-year-old brother.
- Rena - Rena's sixteen-year-old self.
- Anonymous(May be referred to as "Nonny" or "Nony") - Rena's oldest best friend. She's eighteen and is the sweetest person Rena knows. Really smart, but that could be because she applies herself so well. Also averagely pretty.
- Jewel - Rena's youngest and craziest best friend. She's really good at sports and is really smart. GORGEOUS body(Rena iz jealous xD).
- Pretzel - Rena's third best friend(Not in order of favorite, just that she's the third best friend I've mentioned so far). Pretzel is pretty and averagely smart. She's a boy's fave.
- Sheha - Rena's newest best friend. Rena just met her when she started going to school at the Loco school. She's also insane. Even though Sheha is younger then Rena, she acts like she's older then Rena and treats her like a lil sis. She also protect Rena from the mean boys who like to pick on Rena. >.>
- Bobbi - Rena's pink rolling backpack that everyone likes to kick.
- Haniah - Rena's other new best friend who she just met at Loco school. Haniah is fun, but tends to put on that 'tough girl' attitude.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
11-23-09 ~
M'kay, well. The reason why I'm making this journal of sorts is because I need a place to put my thoughts and/or random things that happen to me through the day xD So reason why I'm not keep an actual diary like a writing one is because A:) I would totally lose it, and B:) I have to put my thoughts were I'm thinking someone is reading them, so I feel like I've shared with the world how I feel(just dun't ask xD). C:) I think faster then I think. I think faster then I type. I type faster then I write. So the whole thinking to writing process just takes too long! As it is, this is taking to long, but I shall teach myself patience xD SO I hope this entertains you all...though sometimes it's gunna get serious...liiike...now xD
So today I told my friend, Sheha, at school what's going on with me at home. She's the first person to know other then my church family, Jewel, Anonymous, and Pretzel. I knew I was gunna burst out crying if I told it all seriously, so I was telling my sob story with little things that would make her laugh, which would make me laugh. Honestly, she thinks I'm hilarious. I REALLY dun't know why, 'cause I ain't that funny...Just a totally spazz and drama queen xD That and I happen to look at the entire world in a really weird way that amuses her xD
haha, I asked Sheha why she found me amusing and she pretty much said it was because she had met people who pretended to be ADD or to be distracted by really random and insane stuff before, but I was the first person who was actually like that. So Sheha is always saying, "You crack me up Rena." With these really weird straight faces xD
11-24-09 ~
Well guess what today was? Today was the last day of school for Rena! YAY! M'kay, so pretty much, I got out of school almost four hours earlier then normal, and I have no school until Monday! Another YAAY! So now I'm home free on break! The most amazing part of this all is normally what time it is right now would be eightish. BUT since I got out early it's ONLY SIX! SO YAYNESS!
In other news, I get to go see my shrink in forty-five minutes...-legasp- Do you mean to tell me that Rena has a shrink? Yup I do...After I had my mental breakdown and was considering suicide, I decided it was prolly smart for me to get some professional help. Sooo Yup. This'll be my third time seeing her.
So one question. Would anyone mind if I posted on this thread to bump it when I update my journal? Would you find that as a botherment?
11-27-09 ~
Well, no one answered my question from 11-24-09, so I'll take that for a no, you wouldn't mind! So from now on, whenever I update my journal I'm gunna post "U P D A T E D." If you dun't like it, just let me know ^_^
So. My Thanksgiving. It was okay, pretty much normal. Only I was a little depressed all day long and quite a bit irritable. My family and I went over to my aunt's house and ate there. we were there for maybe two hours...? Which for me, is TORTUROUS. I have cousins there, but they think they are all 'grown up' just 'cause they have their driver's license. Also, they get really cliche'ish 'cause they grew up together, while Toaster, Seena and I were always on the outside. So pretty much, I sat there and watched football while they were busy talking about their own lives and crap like that.
...
Did I mention that I find watching sports the most BORING thing ever. I dun't mean to offend any of you who adore football or whatever, just know I just don't get the point of it ^^;;
SO, ANYHOO. On the way home from my relative's house, we picked up three movies...Lemme see if I can remember what they are called xD Karate Kid, Imagine That, and Star Trek.
Karate Kid was the first one we watched. It was okay. Kinda old-fashioned. But y'know, it had decent fighting crap in it. Though I would have totally prefered a Jackie Chan movie! Next we watched Imagine That. If you haven't seen it - GO TO THE NEAREST MOVIE STORE AND FREAKIN' RENT IT! That is, if you like comedy, watching adult men make fools of themself, and Eddie Murphy. If you dun't....Screw you xD The last movie, Star Trek, my brother took into his room and watched on his CPU while Seena and I were watching the first two. Then my mom said I couldn't watch Star Trek until Seena went to bed. So at two thirty in the morning, my sis finally went to bed. By then, I was having fun talking to some online friends, and didn't get off the CPU until three. Then I decided I was to tired to watch it xD So my mom just left to return it, and I still haven't seen it xD Oh well, I'll just ask her to rent it out again some other time!
So YES. That was Rena's Thanksgiving!
12-13-09 ~
I fucking hate my dad.
I fucking hate my life.
And I wish I could die.
I always pretend to be so happy and fine, but in reality, I wish I had enough guts to actually kill myself. I used to always wonder how someone could want to kill them self, and now I know. My dad is such a fucking bastard who cares only about himself and what he wants. He could care less that his oldest daughter's heart is crushed by him having a shitty affair and that she has to go to a fucking shrink to keep from killing herself. He doesn't give shit at the fact that his oldest son is aloof around him because he is love with a fucking slut over in Germany. He taught me all my life to wait until marriage to have sex and to always stay true to my husband - but when it comes right down to it he's a fucking son of a bitch who only wants to fill his own shitty needs without caring for others. I wish he would leave. If he's going to make my life hell he might as well just go.
He doesn't understand me. He's never understood me. He's always right and he doesn't care what the hell I think - even when he says he does. He needs to grow up and stop bitching about everything. I'm so sick and tired of his "holier then thou" attitude when he's the one with the fucked up priorities. WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET THROUGH TO HIM?
LATER:
Dammit. And just when I thought I was getting better too. >.>
3-21-10 ~
Alright. My dad is getting his third divorce from my mom. In his first marriage he had a little girl, who he very conveniently abandoned for many years. In his second marriage, he had no children, and in his current, soon-to-be-over marriage he has us three kids, Toaster(21), me(17), and Seena(11). During this entire time it's been very much about him. What he wants, what he wants to do, he only wants us over when it's convenient for him, he says he wants to spend more time with us, but when we do come over he sits in front of his computer talking to his girlfriend the entire time. Then when we have to go back home to sleep he gripes and complains about how we never spend any time with him and how we must not love him.
My dad is not a dad to show his emotions - at all. The first year of his life he was locked up in a hospital because his mother had TB. His father and his mother were never good parents, and because of this, he tends to withdraw inside himself emotionally.
He just went and visited his girlfriend in Germany - the same woman who he is having an affair with. My dad, the one who doesn't show emotions, sent me a text saying, and I quote, "I had such a great time I want to cry right now Germany is a wonderful country I had a great walk in the Spessart forest yesterday"
My question is this. What are the chances of my daddy leaving me?
3-31-10
Okay. Seriously? How much more crap can life throw at me? So. This is what happened.
Rena was reading her book totally minding her own business when she was attack by pains. Think these were normal tummy pains, she got up, had four advil, and then returned to her luffley book. A hour later she was curled up in her bed trying not to cry as her innards decided it was time to launch world war three. Half an hour later, she was waiting in the ER for the nice doctor lady to examine her. Turns out poor dear sweet Rena has a lovely little cisk inside her stomach. At first they thought it was my appendix because it was in that area, but then they took x-rays(I had to drink this AWFUL crap. It was like pop that tasted of chalk. Seriously. it was freakin' disgusting. It made me throw up twice. >.<) SO. If this medicine I'm taking doesn't dissolve it soon. I get to have surgery. Possibly on my birthday. AND miss school. Which may sound like a plus(normally it would be) but I've missed so much school already from depression and disease already that I can't afford to miss anymore. Even if I'm lying on a hospital gurney with a hole in my stomach. . . >.<
Later: Okay, try to ignore my sad amount of complaint above xDDD I'm doing better now that the hospital meds are starting to kick in xDDD
8-27-13
Wow, so...more than three years later, this thread is still here.
The anger, rage, frustration, pain, and fear I see in these previous entries still exist. fortunately, reading over what I've written previously no longer makes me break down in tears and sob as though my heart is breaking. Despite that small boon, reading those words still brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and an ache in my heart. Perhaps it would be good to summarize how my life has changed since my last entry.
We moved. The school with the college/high school curriculum blend - where Sheha and Haniah were - kicked me out due to poor attendance. I had poor attendance because my depression got bad enough where I had severe anxiety attacks every time I considered leaving the house. It was worse if I had to go and socialize with people. In order to prevent my deception (I told my mom, brother, and sister that I was still attending school) I would spend hours doing nothing other than driving around in my car. For a while, I was on happy pills and sleep pills prescribed by the same therapist mentioned above. These helped me dramatically, although the sleep pills were too strong (I quartered the dosage, still was too strong). The pills were already in the smallest dose my therapist could give me. They would put me in a comatose state that I couldn't wake from even with ten+ hours of sleep.
As I was a "fifth year senior" with poor attendance and grades from my previous school, no normal high school would accept me so I could complete my diploma. Through my mother's dedication, strength of character, and determination, I found myself at a "central" high school. It's essentially a school that gives delinquents a last shot at getting their lives in order before graduating. Most (by that I mean all) of my classmates smoked cigs, smoked weed, drank, partied hard every weekend, swore like sailors, and had little respect or regard for their teachers. The majority of them rarely showed up for class or would attempt to sleep through classes. The overly sheltered, soft-spoken, Christian, previously straight-A student who had never been exposed to people like this before was...well...Intimidated to put it nicely. I stayed out of their way and avoided eye contact. They left me the hell alone.
A classmate was murdered - by his grandmother, none the less. He was one of the less-rowdy of the students. He actually listened in class and was attempting to straighten his life out and do better for himself. I wasn't friends with him, but he had never made lewd comments towards me, was relatively quiet, and seemed like a decent guy. I thought well of him. His absence from the school and the profound affect it had on my classmates was saddening, to say the least.
Despite not really having a social group, I did well - at first. The same time of year that I had messed up at my previous school I started to have severe insomnia problems, and massive anxiety attacks. This time I didn't hid it from my mom that I couldn't leave the house. She hesitantly allowed me to stay home for nearly a month before we were called into the school to discuss if I would graduate or not. There was four days of school left, and I had missed a month. Armed with more happy pills, I shouldered my way to school. I can remember taking hours to get ready that first morning. I did anything I could to delay my having to go there. Showered, hair, make-up, clothes, nails - anything. After I got to school, I sat in my car for a good half hour, trying to work up the courage to go inside. I think the thing that finally pushed me to go inside was the look I would see on my mom's face, the disappointment in her voice, if I had to tell her I couldn't do it.
I went inside to my homeroom classroom and got to work. What I did was gather all the work from each individual class, got explanations from teachers on how to complete the coursework, than stayed in my homeroom all day to work on each individual classwork. Let me just stop here and say that never before have I ever seen any teachers more dedicated to their students. Never have I ever felt so encouraged, supported, nor cared for by any teacher than in that building. I can say without a doubt that those people taught because they care about their students. They want them to become the very best they can. They are more than willing to go that extra mile to help a student understand a concept, or to help them focus. They did everything in their power to keep their classes informative, fun, and interesting. I don't think I've ever had classes that I enjoyed more than their classes. It was with their love, support, and encouragement that I was able to buckle down and complete a month's worth of classwork (from six classes) in two days. I graduated with honors that year.
After I graduated, I began to focus more on my job at Mcdonalds. In under a year, I was promoted to Crew Trainer and then instantly promoted to Manager. At that job I dealt with sexual harassment (the nickname for me was "Geek in the streets, freak in the sheets), age discrimination, being hit on by lewd customers, being screamed at by customers for things that were entirely out of my control or not my responsibility, and just it being a high-stress level job in general. The final straw was when one of my newly promoted managers began to emotionally abuse me. He was arrogant, self-absorbed, and just a massive ass all around. He had previous manager experience from Wendy's or some other such shit, so he thought he was hot shit.
If we were placed on the same shift together - working with him was nearly impossible. If it was his shift, I'd shut my mouth and do as I was told. All the crew members hated him because he was bossy, rude, lazy, and tried to enforce rules that he himself was breaking. If it was a shift I was supposed to be in charge of, he'd start handing out breaks to my people (which seriously fucked up my shift because I couldn't break the people I needed to before others left for the day, which left me short-handed during rushes. OH, and those rushes I knew were coming because I had been working at this location and at Mcdonalds for longer than he had been), moving them around from grill to front counter, telling me to go print reports, and just in general causing massive issues. The entire time he'd be undermining me in front of my crew.
The first shift I held my tongue. The second shift I asked if I could speak to him privately. I told him I couldn't have him moving my crew around, that it was my shift, and I needed him to check with me before handing out breaks. He told me I was arrogant, "too-big-for-your-britches", in over my head, and just essentially told me that I was doing a shit job. I nearly sent him home that day, but we were busy, he was in-line to be a higher rank of manager than I was going to be, and I needed him on the line. The third shift of him I let him manage the grill and I focused on the rest of my team. I nearly walked out on my shift and quit that day. As soon as I could, I told my boss that I couldn't work with him anymore and explained to her why. I also went to each of my individual crew members and asked for them to be up front and honest with me - I wanted to know if I was any of the things I had been called. If I was, I wanted to fix them because I didn't want to be that type of manager or person. Some opened up to me and told me that sometimes I would get snappy if we were busy - others told me that if they really respected that I would go to each employee like that and ask for insight. I'm inclined to think that the majority of them weren't just ass-kissing (One or two of them I know were), but that they honestly just did not agree with Asshat Manager. After my boss attempted to have me work with Asshat Manager (even just for short amounts of time when I clearly said I could not work with him at all), I put in my two weeks notice. Quitting that job was the best decision I've ever made.
I lived off the money I made at Mcdonalds for a bit until finding a job at Walmart. Not only was I paid the same wage as a manager at Mcdonalds, I had a hell of a lot less stressful job. My manager was kind of a shit head, but hey, she was manageable. During the time at Mcdonalds and the job I had at walmart, there was some drama regarding online boyfriends (the boyfriends occupied two different spands of time) before I met my current boyfriend in California. Emotionally I was a lot more stable at this point. I was sleeping normally at night, had a better social life, and the leaving-the-house anxiety was almost completely gone.
Recently, we moved a second time. I really like this new place. It's a chance to have a clean slate, and to not have all the poor memories I had at the two previous homes assaulting me. I transferred from Walmart to Sam's Club. Not only did I get a pay raise, but I work with fantastic people and have this amazingly understanding boss, who is also a tiny tad bit protective of me. He has three daughters of his own, and I think he naturally takes younger women under a protective wing. I have a fantastic boyfriend who reminds me daily that I'm beautiful - inside and out. My little sister, Seena, is home from staying in Florida. My older brother is getting married August 30th to a woman who brings out the best in him. They're having a baby boy. I cannot describe how thrilled I am that I am going to be Auntie Rena!
My mom is dating a man who treats her well. I may not like him, but as long as he treats my mother the way she deserves to be, and as long as he makes her happy, I approve of them. I've come to terms with my dad's relationship with his girlfriend. I like his girlfriend, and I feel sorry for her. I don't think she realizes how she's getting sucked into an emotionally abusive relationship. I haven't quite come to terms with how my dad is going to be moving to Germany within the next few years, but I'm working on it. I'm a bit terrified of Toaster's wedding...Both my dad and his girlfriend and then my mom and her boyfriend are going to be at the wedding. I don't think my dad knows my mom is dating, and oh my fucking god, my mom is going to meet the woman my dad cheated on her with. I'll manage though, because I have my boyfriend's strength to lean on. And if worse comes to worse, we can always find some corner to hide in together, giggity.
Overall, I still have issues. I still have trouble sleeping sometimes (like tonight). I still have my down days where I have trouble leaving the house or get anxious about having to go out and do things with friends. I still feel pain in my heart from all the shit my parents' divorce has dug up and dumped on me all at once. But I'm better. A hell of a lot better. I don't know if my boyfriend and I are going to last. I don't know how good of a father my brother is going to be to my nephew, or how good of a mother his fiance will be. I'm not sure if my mom is moving to New York to be with her boyfriend, or when my dad is moving to Germany to be with his girlfriend. I don't know if I'm moving to California, or if Boyfriend is going to move to Michigan. Fuck, I don't know what I'm going to eat tomorrow. But, as cheesy as this fucking sounds, I do look forward to having more experiences. I'm just going to take each day at a time and try not to take on more stress than I can handle. I'll lean on my friends and family to support me and carry me through rough times. And somehow, I'm going to make it.
Legal disclaimer (I'm required by law to do this =/): None of the thoughts, actions, or words of the currently or previously employed member of Mcdonalds, Walmart, or Sam's Club are necessarily condoned, endorsed, or otherwise encouraged by each respective enterprise.